He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
