He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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