I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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