god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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