You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
