i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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