Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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