Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
