Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
