I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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