You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
