My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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