He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
