Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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