Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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