I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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