I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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