Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im part way to drunk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
