i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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