the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
