I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
