If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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