ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
