I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
