he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Four minutes until I can fart!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
