So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
