heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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