You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
