umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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