Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
