My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
