One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
