yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
