I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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