im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it hurts more in the daytime
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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