dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
