I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
