apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
