What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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