if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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