i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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