Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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