just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
