I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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