Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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