is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
