Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What drink are we having for lunch?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
