You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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