Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
