True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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